


Keeping Your Head Above Water

by Coconutice22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, References to Depression, increased age difference between Sam and Dean, swim coach!Castiel, swimmer!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:17:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9267314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coconutice22/pseuds/Coconutice22
Summary: Castiel’s been Sam’s swim coach for a few years now, and his crush on Sam’s older brother, Dean, has been maturing like a fine wine for most of this time. When life begins to rapidly change for the Winchesters, Castiel has to work out what that means for the future.(Otherwise known as that Castiel is a swim coach AU no one needed.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a bigger age gap between Sam and Dean here than in canon as I needed it for plot reasons (I needed an excuse for Dean to be driving Sam places). 
> 
> The town they’re living in I’ve also been a bit vague about. But having come off from a Gilmore Girls marathon, Stars Hollow is sort of the vibe I had in mind. Where everyone just knows each other and they have a protective sort of love (even if sometimes your neighbours do snoop a tad too much). 
> 
> Big, big thanks to [hit_the_books](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hit_the_books) for beta reading this and helping me with Dean's voice in particular.

_**If you want to learn to swim, jump into the water. On dry land, no frame of mind is ever going to help you**_  - Bruce Lee. 

 

 

“You're late, Winchester.”

“Sorry Coach,” Sam huffed, walking straight past Castiel and heading for the changing area.

“Go change and give me 30 laps,” Cas shouted after him. Castiel watched Sam stomp off, a little confused at his normally very calm and happy student.

Dean followed through the doors a moment later. “I'm sorry he's late, Cas.” Dean walked up to Cas. He shifted awkwardly. “He might need some time off coming up.”

Cas raised an eyebrow, worried thoughts flashing through his mind. “Is he unwell?”

Dean sighed, “Our dad had a heart attack last night.”

“Oh. I'm... sorry to hear that. Will he be okay?”

“He's stable for now. With the state semi-finals coming up, I knew dad wouldn't want Sam to miss practice. But we only got home from the hospital three hours ago.”

“You should have said, we could have postponed.”

He'd come to care deeply for both Winchesters in the nearly five years he'd been coaching Sam. Even though his role of coach meant he had to be a little firmer with Sam then he might otherwise have been if he'd known the kid outside of coaching.

With their father working all hours of the day, it had always been Dean who'd taken Sam to practice, cheered him on at meets, spent time with the boy when he needed to train in the gym. And even after Dean got his own place a year earlier, it was still Dean who accompanied Sam. Castiel had to admire him for his dedication to his brother.  

Sam's older brother, Castiel felt guiltily, was definitely one of the perks of training the younger Winchester.

Dean even traveled with them when Sam had to go out of town for competitions. Which worked out well for everyone as Dean’s presence was a calming one on Sam, who sometimes got overwhelmed with anxiety.

Altogether it meant that Cas and Dean had spent a lot of time together. Most of this time together had been accumulated at the poolside, but they’d been known to hang out at hotel bars. If they were out of town for a contest, the two would sometimes relax in the evening together in the bar of whatever hotel they were staying in. The main topic was always Sam and his performance or that of his competitors.

“Honestly,” Dean said, cutting off Castiel’s train of thought, “I think it might be better that he stick to his normal routine. With everything else so in the air,” Dean shrugged, “a dose of normal seemed good. He's worried, it’s making him a bit of a dick. He just needs to work off some of his dickishness.”

Castiel's hand moved to Dean's shoulder without conscious thought, comforting the older Winchester. “Got it. One too-tired-to-think practice session coming up.”

Dean was stood so closely Castiel could see a lone freckle on Dean’s eyelid. It was his favorite freckle in the world right now.

Dean smiled so sweetly at Castiel.

“Thanks, Cas, I knew I could trust you.”

 

***

 

John was in hospital for a while following surgery, but got out soon after with a good prognosis. Sam was clearly frazzled from the whole affair and Dean moved back home with Sam and John so he could look after them both.

“I miss having my own space, but what else can I do,” Dean explained a few weeks after the heart attack. “Sam has school and training to worry about, he's not in the right place to be looking after dad too.”

“You're a good son and brother, Dean.” A good human too, Cas wanted to add.

Sam was warming up in the pool so Castiel had decided to say hi to Dean quickly.

“Ha,” Dean laughed bitterly, “That's not how dad sees it. Not even Sammy right now. I'm their evil prison warden, stopping them having fun. Dad wants to go straight back to the booze and crap food, Sam wants to join him. Which isn’t even like him. Guess he just missed dad.”

Castiel cleared his throat feeling awkward. “I'm worried about the upcoming meet. He's not reaching his normal times, not even in backstroke and that's normally his best.”

“Fuck,” Dean groaned, dropping his head into his hands. He'd had a feeling something was up, but with everything going on and having to sub-let his own apartment, and then the move, he'd barely had a chance to wash his clothes, let alone watch Sam's practices.

“I'm sorry, I don't want to pile any more burdens on you, but I felt like I had to say something. His mind isn't in it currently. He needs someone to talk to, and I'm not sure I'm the best person for that.”

It wasn’t that Cas didn’t want to be there for Sam emotionally, but he was well aware of his own limitations when it came to helping other people with their feelings. He’d been told by more than one past partners that he was often distant. _Unwilling to deal with emotional baggage_ , was how his last boyfriend had phrased it right before he dumped Cas.

Dean’s head dropped.

“He's fifteen now, the goal was always get him a swim scholarship for college, right?”

“Right,” Dean agreed, looking back up at Cas.

“And he's got to be on top of that now if he's going to succeed.”

“I'll... I'll talk to him, thanks for saying something, Cas. And sorry again that I haven't been around to watch practice lately. Would have spotted that myself if I had.”

Castiel clenched his fists, the urge to tell Dean he'd missed his presence stuck in his throat. It wasn’t common for parents to stay unless the children were young, but he’d never told Dean this.

“I'll get it sorted. I'll talk to him.” Dean sounded determined.

“I know, I trust you,” Cas smiled. “Maybe all he needs is to go out for some pizza with his big brother.”

 

***

 

“I followed your advice,” Dean told Cas a week later. Sam was changing after practice while they talked as they tended to in this time. “Took the kid out for pizza. Turns out it was girl trouble,” he chuckled. “Of all the things going on, I think I forget sometimes that he's not just a swimming—scholar machine. He likes this girl, her name is Ruby. But he doesn't know how to ask her out, and she's dating someone else.” Dean rolled his eyes, but was grinning. “It's kinda nice, don't you think? For everything happening, Sam's still a normal kid.”

“He seemed more focused today. You gave him some advice, I take it?”

“On dating girls? Ho boy, I don't know much about that. Picking people up in bars, sure, but dating?” He laughed and then blushed, realizing what he'd just said to Cas. “Not that I'm, you know, that kinda guy or anything, it isn't like that,” he babbled.

Cas felt uncomfortable but not for the reasons Dean probably thought he did. He decided to change the subject for the both of them.

“Sam's competing next week, the semi-final, I take it you're coming too?”

“I'm not sure about this time.”

Castiel's heart sank.

“Other thing I got from my little chat with Sam,” Dean continued, “is that he wants his freedom. I don't think it was as bad when I lived on my own, but now he sees me everyday at home, it feels different.

“Which kind of sucks,” Dean laughed a little unassuredly, “I always enjoy our evenings together after competitions. But, anyway, Sam aside, someone needs to keep an eye on dad.”

Cas swallowed. “I understand.” His brain did at least, his heart was not so convinced. But Dean had responsibilities outside of Sam, and Castiel knew he had to accept that.

Sam chose that moment to appear from the changing room, hair mused, looking tired, but not unhappy.

“For the record,” Cas added quickly and quietly to Dean while they still had some privacy, “I enjoy our time together too.”

 

***

 

It felt weird to be at a competition without Dean sitting there beside him. Dean usually screamed and cheered for Sam like the proud parental figure he really was. Cas tried not to get too emotionally involved. It stopped him being objective and took him away from analyzing Sam's races as they happened, so that he could provide the sort of feedback that would take Sam from second to first place.

He was somewhat relieved and felt a warmth in his stomach when he got a text from Dean asking how the race had gone.

 _Hasn't happened yet_ , he replied.

His phone buzzed again a moment later. _How about now?_

Cas chuckled. _Nope, I'll message after._

_Film it for me?_

_Sure thing._

That was how the two started texting. Even after the contest ended with Sam winning his division for the 100 m backstroke and placing well in his other races, Dean and Cas continued to message. Training was stepping up a gear now Sam was through to the state final.

 _I'll be sitting in on Sammy's practice tonight_ , Dean text a few weeks later. It had been a while now since he'd been able to do more than  just drive Sam to and from his swim practices. From what Castiel had pieced together through Dean's messages and Sam's snippets of info, Dean had to take on a second job to help cover the medical bills that had piled up while John was in hospital, and his subsequent care. The second job in this case took the form of covering for John at the garage he was part owner of.

Cas groaned, annoyed at himself, _I have someone covering for me for this session, my mom's in town_ , _been called for a family dinner with her_.

It was only after he hit send that Cas thought maybe this was too personal, too much information. This wasn’t like him, sharing so much. He was regretting everything he’d ever done that led to this moment when:

_Damn man, that sucks. How about a beer this evening?_

“Huh?” Cas said out loud. Dean wanted to meet outside of swimming? Sure they'd been messaging a lot lately, but they'd never done anything like this... not unless it was after one of Sam's competitions and they were there together anyway.

 _I'd love to_ , he typed. “No, damnit, Cas,” he berated himself, deleted the message and tried again. _Sounds good. I should be free about 10?_

His palms felt sweaty and his fingers shaky. He didn't dare breathe as he waited for Dean's reply.

_Cool, 10 at the Roadhouse?_

_Perfect, see you then_.

“Fuck,” Cas muttered, sitting back, slightly taken aback by what had just happened. He was really meeting up with Dean for a drink.

Suddenly he didn't feel so terrible about having to see his mom, as he knew after there'd be Dean.

Castiel wasn't to know that at that very same moment, Dean had just said “Fuck” to himself as well. “Why did I do that?” he wondered. Surprised that the thought had even come to him.

All he’d known was that he needed to see Castiel, needed to hear the other man's voice in person. The day just wouldn't have felt right without it.

 

***

 

“And that’s when you found the chicken?” Dean asked, eyebrows drawn together in disbelief.

“No, no, the chicken came much later on,” Castiel answered dryly. “Believe it or not, I found six doves in my bedroom closet before that.”

Dean spat out a bit of his drink as he laughed.

“Wow, your brother is a dick man.” Dean wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

 _Do not reach out and wipe that last droplet off his lip_ , Castiel told himself firmly. Luckily Dean licked it up before Castiel’s body had a chance to rebel.

“Agreed. I was still finding feathers in my closet for weeks after. He shut down his magic act soon after, I am happy to report. We never did find the rabbits though.”

Dean’s head tipped back as he gave a full body laugh this time. Castiel felt like he’d never been funnier to another human being than he was to Dean that night.

Their first get together at the bar had gone well so far, to put it mildly.

The conversation had started off about Sam, as it always did, but he wasn’t to be the only thing they talked about for once. Dean had asked about Castiel’s dinner with his mom. Somehow it had turned into Castiel telling stories about his own family, including why he no longer let his older brother have a key to his apartment.

They’d had one beer each before switching to soda since they were driving. Castiel had sniffed his drink to make sure it was definitely just soda because the warmth he was feeling in his stomach he usually only got from consuming alcohol.

It had come as a revelation to Cas that Dean had known the Roadhouse's owner, Ellen. Everyone knew Ellen was a big part of why anyone went to the Roadhouse. To the Cas of the last few years, Dean existed only in spaces with the smell of chlorine in the air or hotels with Sam in tow.

But now? Now Cas saw how Dean had such a life outside of his brother. It turned out lots of the locals Castiel recognized but didn’t know the name of knew Dean well. It made sense since Dean had grown up in the area, Castiel reasoned to himself.

He had at one point asked after John and was told the man was battling along well.

“Take a piano landing on his head to kill that one,” Dean had joked.

Castiel thought there might have been more to it. He looked concerned but Cas didn’t want to push it. Their conversation had been so light and freely flowing up until that point and Cas didn’t want to be the one who killed the mood with sombre talk of John’s noncompliance to his doctor’s orders.

They left the bar only when Ellen pushed them out at 1am so she could finally close up. Both knew they'd regret in the morning staying up so late, but neither seemed able to instigate going any earlier and parting before they absolutely had to.

The next day Castiel spent much of the afternoon trying to write a message to Dean. It had to hit the perfect balance of letting Dean know how much he’d enjoyed the previous night, while also asking Dean if he’d like to do it again. But also not assuming that Dean had enjoyed himself.

Just as he’d finally hit upon the tone right, Dean messaged him first.

_Work is a drag. Roadhouse tonight?_

Of course _Dean_ would make it look that simple.

_Sure._

_Meet you there after I’ve dropped Sammy off home after practice. Save our booth for us?_

“Our booth?” Castiel read again. He felt himself blushing. “Oh God,” he muttered. What was the appropriate response here?

 _See you there_ , he went with in the end. Before spending the rest of the day in a panic that it didn’t sound enthusiastic enough.

That night truly established a routine for the two of them meeting up. The booth in the back had definitely become _their booth_ at some point.

He learned so much about Dean in these evenings. It seemed asstounding he hadn’t known half of it before. Cas had always been vaguely aware that Dean worked in marketing. He didn't seem entirely passionate about his work, but he'd made good headway at the company.

“I used to want to be a rock star,” Dean revealed one evening. “But ya know, mom died, I needed something I could do here in my hometown. Needed to keep an eye on Sam and dad. I still play a little sometimes, but just for my own amusement now.”

It had been such a personal moment that Castiel couldn’t help but tell Dean the story of his own professional swim career. It wasn’t something he told many people, but he was struck with the desire to share something close to his heart with Dean.

His coach had always believed that Cas just didn’t have the belief in himself, and ultimately that was what stopped him improving. Despite this, he'd excelled at collegiate level and done pretty well after for a bit, but his interests had always laid more in coaching than doing it himself. Cas had found his passion in getting the best out of other swimmers. 

“Professional swim career is short,” Castiel explained, as if Dean didn’t already know this. “So I’d always had in mind that I’d go into coaching eventually anyway. It just happened a little sooner than later this way.” He talked about the training and courses he’d taken. About how his family hadn’t approved of the switch in careers, and ultimately that’s why he left the area he'd grown up in. It wasn't a story he shared often as some had criticised him for "giving up". That wasn't how Castiel saw it. He saw it as him deciding to make himself happy. The experience of his family reacting as they had made him hesitant ever since to share this bit of info with others. 

He'd moved to this small town near Lawrence, Kansas, a few years ago when he'd been offered a job by the friend of a swim coach he’d been trained by as a kid. Few weeks after his move, he'd started working with Sam. He'd seen the young kid swimming on his own plenty of evenings, as his older brother tried to give instruction. Turned out Sam’s school swim program had been cut and they didn't have a dedicated coach anymore. Castiel offered to take him on. Sam had been unsure, but after talking to Dean who emphatically told Cas they'd make it work, the two had started working together.

It would turn out to be a great decision for the both of them. Castiel’s reputation grew more impressive the more Sam won. Sam in turn now had a good position in their area’s junior division. And even though Sam was growing so fast that sometimes his brain couldn't keep up and it made him clumsy, Castiel’s tutelage meant the clumsiness seemed to leave Sam as soon as he hit the water.

Conversation between Castiel and Dean on their evenings together would often fall back to Sam. It seemed only natural when they both focused on him so much, but ever increasingly, it felt to Cas like no topic was too big or too small when he was with Dean.

 

***

 

Things were going well in Castiel’s life. It wasn’t like a seismic change had taken place, but he felt more comfortable now than he could ever remember feeling. Like maybe he finally fit in somewhere.

Dean introducing him to half the town was a big part of that. Suddenly he was bumping into people he knew at the superstore all the time. He was becoming friends with people who weren’t just his adult students or the parents of his younger students.

He was experiencing what it was like to be part of a community again. Something he’d had back when he was a swimmer and then had been without for the many years since.

Which was part of why it came as such a shock when one evening he found John sitting beside the pool where Dean normally sat. He hadn't spent as much time with Sam's dad as he had with his brother, but he still recognized the other man when he saw him. Though it did strike Castiel that John was looking far more fragile than he ever had before.

He knew enough about John to know that if he was here, it was something bad.

“Hi, Mr. Winchester,” he started, standing up a little straighter as he stuck a hand out for John to shake.

“Coach Novak,” he replied cordially, firmly gripping Castiel's hand and letting go quickly.

“Here to see Sam's practice?”

“Here to see what my money's buying me.”

 _Dean's money, you mean_ , Cas thought but didn't say. He had no proof that it was Dean who supported Sam's swimming, but he was fairly sure it was.

“Sam's doing well,” Cas reported. “We've been working more on his stamina, I want to get him in for some longer races.”

John stared at Castiel for a moment, scrutinizing him. Castiel tried not to blink or look away, but silently hoped Sam would come out soon to start practice.

“He nearly got expelled from school today. Truancy.”

“What?” Cas said with genuine surprise. Sam was a hard working kid. “That doesn't sound like Sam at all.”

“No. School called me in, they're ‘ _concerned_ ’. His grades are slipping, he's been distant. I wondered if you'd noticed anything?”

Cas thought a moment. “No, he's been fine. We had a bit of a slip up after your... um, hospitalization, but he's been doing okay since.” Not to mention Sam's slight hiccup when he had a crush on that girl. But whatever Dean had told him seemed to have worked and Sam had seemed pretty focused again lately.

 _Right?_ Castiel thought. _He'd been fine, hadn't he?_ Castiel was rampantly going through his memories of the last few weeks. Most of his memories, when he thought of it now, were of Dean's presence as the older brother had once again been able to come to practices with a little more regularity.

Cas thought maybe he'd been a bit distracted himself, perhaps by Dean. He’d taken to setting Sam more laps with less supervision so that he had an excuse to spend time talking to Dean instead. Nothing really awful came to mind though about Sam’s behavior. He'd made the state final, how bad could things be?

“Well, good,” John grunted. “Good.”

John was silent throughout practice. Despite the relative warmth of the pool, he kept his jacket on and sat with his arms crossed around him like he was cold. Something flagged this behavior as odd in Castiel’s mind, but the man was recovering from a heart attack, so maybe it was perfectly normal.

 

***

 

Castiel was meeting with Dean at the end of that week on Saturday night. He hadn't mentioned John's visit to the pool to Dean as he hadn't had a chance to see Dean in person since then. He wasn't sure how much Dean knew or didn't know, and he didn't want to upset the other man through telling him in a text message. It would have just felt too impersonal.

He arrived at the bar at 8pm to find a sign up on the door: _Shut for family emergency_.

That didn't sound good.

Castiel had arrived early so shot Dean a message telling him the bar was shut and suggesting they go to another one. When after 20 minutes there was no double blue check confirming Dean had read it, and no sound of Dean's car, Cas began to worry.

It wasn't like Dean to be late, and it also wasn't like Dean to not check his messages.

Getting back in his car so he could warm himself up a bit, Castiel decided the best thing was to call Dean.

“Hello?”

Castiel's chest eased with relief that Dean was at least alive.

“Hey, where are you? It was 8pm we were meeting, right?”

“Fuck, Cas, sorry man–”

“No problem, Dean, I just messaged you to say that the bar's shut anyway.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed, “Yeah that I knew.”

“You knew?” Cas asked confused. Why hadn't Dean told him then?

“Jo, Ellen's daughter, she's a friend of Sam's,” his voice was wobbling slightly.

Castiel felt his stomach tighten.

“Did something happen to her?”

“Oh god, Cas,” Dean groaned like a hurt animal, “She's in hospital. She accidentally overdosed.”

Cas didn't know the girl at all, but knew Dean was very close with her. “I'm sorry,” he said earnestly, lacking anything better to say but feeling so much pain on Dean's behalf.

“And Sam... he was arrested, well, taken in for questioning,” Dean sounded like he was in agony over this.

“What?” Cas replied, feeling dizzy.

“They let him out on bail this morning, but, fuck, FUCK,” Dean suddenly hissed into the phone. “Everything's a mess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cas asked hesitantly. “I'm here for you, Dean,” he said a little firmer.

Dean sighed. “I can't leave dad and Sammy alone right now... they'd just kill each other. Dad's so angry.”

“Maybe in a few days?” _I want to be there for you, I need to be there for you_ , Castiel wanted to tell Dean. But he’d never been great at reaching out to people emotionally and the thoughts remained thoughts.

“I'll bring Sam to practice on Monday, if you're still okay training him that is,” Dean laughed bitterly.

“Of course,” Cas said soothingly, “I'm sure whatever has happened will be sorted out.”

“I... I'm not sure, Cas,” Dean sighed.

“Will Sam be up to practicing?” Cas hated himself for questioning it, but needed to. He didn't want to waste Dean's money.

“Oh, he'll be up for it,” Dean said darkly, “Even if I have to drag him there by the hair and throw him in the pool myself.”

 

***

 

The weekend passed in a blur of Castiel obsessively checking his phone for updates from Dean. Monday was almost agony while he waited for the brothers to arrive.

He heard them approaching before he could see them.

Sam looked awful, tired and pale. He had a spark in his eye Cas had never seen before, the boy looked angry.

“For the record,” Sam snarled at Castiel, “I don't want to be here, but he's making me. Don't expect me to try very hard.”

He stormed off to the changing area leaving a shocked Castiel in his wake.

Cas jolted with how strong the instinct was to hug Dean when he saw the other man. He looked equally pissed off, but also so hurt and sad.

“Put him through the most grueling training he's ever had,” Dean bit out.

“Dean... I can't make him train if he doesn't want to, you know that right?”

Dean nodded sadly.  “I just need him to be Sammy again.” His eyes were wet. “I can't get through to him with words, but I was hoping if he came tonight, he'd remember how much he loves the water.”

Cas nodded.

“Up for that drink tonight?” Dean sounded so hopeful.

“Of course,” Cas replied immediately.

“Great,” he smiled, “I need to go over to the Roadhouse anyway to talk to Ellen. So what about meeting there when you're done with Sam? And I'll tell you the full story. Last few days have been kind of a hot mess.”

“Of course, Dean. That girl, Jo, how is she?”

“Out of critical care. Well enough that she didn't want her mom at her bedside 24/7 anymore, so Ellen's back at the bar this evening.”

Castiel smiled, “I'm glad to hear that.”

“Me too.”

“Wait, if you're at the bar, how is Sam getting home?”

“Told him to take the bus. Kid wants to be independent so badly, then so be it.”

That surprised Castiel a bit, it just didn't sound like Dean.

“I better get going, if he sees me here when he's finished being a grump in there, he'll never do anything for you.”

Dean was about to leave when Sam came out, changed and ready to swim.

“Listen to Cas, Sam, do what he tells you to do,” commanded Dean.

“Go fuck yourself, Dean,” Sam snarled.

Castiel was startled at Sam's attitude.

Dean sighed. “See you later, anyway, Cas.” Dean turned and walked towards the door without sparing his brother another glance.

“You should just admit you're gay and fuck Coach already,” Sam shouted at his brother's turned back. “I know that's the only reason you're making me go through with this shit any longer! So you have an excuse to make goo-goo eyes at him three times a week. It makes me sick, you make me sick!”

Sam's nostrils were flared. Castiel froze like a statue. Dean paused, but didn't turn around. He continued out of the building without another word.

 

***

 

“Ruby,” Dean would explain to Castiel later at the bar, “was dealing drugs.” Dean was picking at the label on his beer bottle.

“The girl Sam was interested in?” Cas remembered her name from a previous conversation they'd had.

“Yeah. Sam's been skipping school to be with her, to impress her. Friday night he was going to a high school party, Jo tagged along. Jo hadn't realized what Ruby had given her. Poor kid thought they were just being a little rebellious, not breaking the law.”

“Shit,” Cas said weakly.

“She started foaming at the mouth, convulsing. Ruby ran away. Sam called an ambulance. At least the kid didn't abandon her. Not sure I could have looked him in the eye again if he had,” Dean admitted.

“Did Ruby do it on purpose?” Cas asked after a moment of contemplation.

“No idea, possibly. And then Sam was questioned. They let him go as soon as they caught up with Ruby. She has priors.” Dean waved his hand as if that explained the end of the story. Castiel had many questions still but thought it was better to move away from the topic of Ruby.

“Sam... Sam seems intent on quitting swimming.” Cas said after a while. The practice earlier had been useless. Sam was there in body but nothing else. His form was out, he clearly had no interest in being there. He’d said barely a word the entire time, while shooting Castiel enough resentful looks that he got the message loud and clear.

Dean looked sadly at the table top as he nodded. “Yeah. He's not been interested for a while. But I managed to guilt him into going, told him how much it cost me, and he's so close to the state championship now...”

“You can take a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.”

“Or, go swimming in the water, apparently,” Dean huffed. He sat silently, thinking hard for a moment. “It's been going on for a while. Sam's not been doing so well at school, as well as skipping lessons. He's not been doing homework either. I hadn't even noticed. So used to the kid being a brainiac, never even occurred to me I'd have to check if he was doing homework.”

“Your dad accompanied him to practice earlier this week,” Cas said hesitantly.

“Told ya about Sam nearly getting expelled?”

“Something like that.” So at least Dean did know about the truancy.

“If he stops swimming now, he'll have more time for school and should be able to catch up what he's missed. But if he misses out on swimming, his chances of a swim scholarship go down and he'll never make it to college. It's Catch-22.”

Dean sat so stiffly, but his fingers never stopped shredding the beer label off his bottle.

“This shouldn't be all on your shoulders, Dean,” Cas told him in hushed tones. Reaching out to place a comforting hand on Dean's left forearm. This finally stilled Dean's fidgety hands and he stopped shredding the paper label.

“But it's gonna be. Dad's never really been all that present.” He sounded guilty at voicing this criticism of his father. “Sam just wanted to impress Ruby so much. I see now he was just looking for some validation. I've tried so hard, Cas.”

“I know you have,” Cas consoled. “No one who knows you would say you hadn't tried your hardest for Sam.”

“Then why do I keep failing him?” he asked, voice laden with guilt.

Cas withdrew his hand and crossed his arms over, subconsciously comforting himself. “I should have noticed something was up.” Now it was Castiel’s turn to feel like he couldn’t look the other man in the eye.

“None of this is on you, Cas,” Dean said reassuringly.  

“I'm his coach, I spend more time with him than any of his teachers.”

“He's going through a phase.” Dean’s voice was so gentle. “That's not on you.”

Cas looked up at him, finding Dean's warm gaze pinned on him. “Then it isn't on you either.”

“It is a bit, I did make him keep swimming. Probably why he decided to rebel. And, um,” Dean bit his lip, cheeks going pink. “About what Sam said, about me–”

“I sort of hoped a part of that was true.” Cas didn't know why the words came out, but there they were, both a little scared, neither one prepared for this conversation. “Because I know I’ve been making goo-goo eyes at you.”

Dean inhaled sharply. Cas ventured a brave look at Dean's face.

“Cas,” Dean reached across the table to cover Castiel's left hand with his right. “Whatever happens with you and Sam in a professional way, I really hope we can continue being... friends. And,” he paused, “maybe more?” He sounded so worried and Castiel couldn't stand it.

Cas moved their hands so that he was interlocking fingers with Dean.

“Definitely more.”

 

***

 

And so into the later part of that year came changes to Castiel's life he could never have foreseen a few months earlier. Sam had indeed stopped swimming, but despite what Castiel secretly feared, he was probably seeing Dean on a more regular basis than he had when he was still Sam's coach.

It was even better now. Instead of just making eye contact with Dean every now and then, with scattered bits of talk, they could spend all their time together talking if they wished. They went on dates and held hands. Shared popcorn at the cinema. Subsequently learned that both needed their own tub of popcorn because Dean was a total popcorn hog. (Dean would swear blind it was Castiel who stole all the popcorn though.)

Dean was spending more and more time at Castiel's apartment, keen to give his brother space. With Ruby out of the picture, and Sam's eye now on a cute girl called Eileen, he was apparently spending his time running. Eileen liked having a running partner, and the exercise was giving Sam a new outlet for all the anxious energy he used to get rid of in the pool.

“Plus,” Dean said through a mouthful of mac and cheese he'd made at Castiel's apartment, “He no longer smells like chlorine all the time. Though he's growing his hair out, which I don't know if I like, but what am I gonna do about it?”

“I'm happy for him,” and Castiel truly was. He'd spent so much time with Sam himself he did feel partly responsible for the young kid.

Sure, he'd been a little disappointed on the day that should have been the state final that Sam would have been swimming in, but Dean had turned the day around. It ended up becoming the first time they slept together. And maybe it was the fact that they spent years building their friendship, and just how damn comfortable Castiel felt around Dean, but it was for both of them the most fulfilling sex they'd had. It would only continue to get better with practice, and practice they would.

“Me too. Things do finally seem to be looking up.”

 

***

 

Castiel arrived at the Roadhouse on a Wednesday evening early December to – for only the second time in the five years he'd lived in the area – find it shut up tight. No lights were on in the bar, nor the building behind where Ellen and her family lived. 

His stomach clenched. There was a sign on the door again: _Closed due to family emergency_.

 _Fuck_.

Cas took his phone out of his pocket to discover a multitude of missed calls from Dean. He must have forgotten to turn his phone off silent after his coaching sessions for the day finished. He'd been in such a hurry to get here he hadn't even thought to look at it either.

Fingers feeling clumsy and lungs feeling tight, Castiel listened to the voice mail Dean had left.

“ _Cas... It's my dad, he's had another heart attack, a big one this time. I'm at the hospital if you get this.”_

 _Next new message_ , said the automated voice. It was time stamped for 20 minutes later.

“ _He's not doing well, please, if you get this, please come to the hospital_.” It was rambly, Dean sounded distant in a way Cas wasn't used to.

 _Next new message, “They managed to stabilize him, maybe things might be okay... I hate hospitals... they just make me think of losing mom.”_ His voice cracked, Castiel's heartbeat seemed to triple. _“Sam's here with me... but I'd like you here too, if you can. I know you're teaching. Don't worry, don't hurry, sorry I shouldn't be asking this of you and–”_ that was when sharp alarms started going off in the background. Castiel could hear staff members barking orders at each other.

 _End of messages_ , said the automated voice.

The last message had been left almost two hours ago.

 

 

***

 

 

John's funeral was held on a Tuesday morning. Dean understandably had been busy in the meantime organizing that, as well as taking legal guardianship of Sam.

Castiel and Dean had messaged, but infrequently.

Not long before the funeral itself was due to start, as Castiel was already dressed in his best suit, Dean text him to say it was probably best that Sam not find out they were a couple at their dad's funeral.

Castiel replied agreeing that it was not the right moment for such a revelation. He was still going to go. Despite everything with Sam, he'd still known the family for long enough that even if he hadn't been dating Dean he would have gone. Castiel's only bit of relief was that Dean referred to them as a couple in his last message.

Dean looked withdrawn and his eyes haunted when Castiel finally got to see him. His paleness making his freckles more obvious. Even when mourning Dean looked so beautiful, a thought for which Castiel silently berated himself for having. Vulnerable, but eyes shining fiercely like he was determined not to lose control.

Castiel was surprised to find out just how many more of the townsfolk he'd come to know also knew the Winchesters. It made him understand in part how beloved both of John's sons were in the community. He’d assumed it was their connection to Ellen and the Roadhouse, but clearly it went beyond that.

He'd hear talk of John throughout the day, whispers of how different he'd been before Mary's death. How sad it was for all of them, but also how inevitable it was that he’d die in such a way.

Bobby, who was co-owner of the auto shop John also owned and worked at, was there, gruffly standing by the remaining Winchester boys like a guard dog.

At the wake after, Cas would overhear Bobby telling Dean to “Knock that nonsense out, you idjit.”

“But Bobby, if I'd stopped him drinking at the bar sooner,” Dean trembled.

“He'd have started drinking alone and in the privacy of his bathroom even sooner than he did already,” Bobby said firmly. “You ain't done nothing wrong here, boy. You or Sam, you hear me?”

Castiel's heart clenched. He wanted to go to Dean, comfort him as a boyfriend should. Instead he stood and watched him from afar, as he'd done so many times during their acquaintance.

 

***

 

_Sorry, can't meet tonight, got to meet with lawyers  about Sam and dad's estate. Miss you._

Cas sighed. He felt bad that Dean was busy again, but then he felt even worse for feeling bad. Given everything Dean was going through, he should be supportive.

But he couldn't help it. He missed Dean and feared they were slipping apart. There came a time after the funeral when Cas realized he hadn't heard from Dean in over a week. Grief was a funny old monster, made people appraise their whole life. Cas just feared that Dean had come to the conclusion that his boyfriend was superfluous.

Christmas was coming up. Cas spent a while searching for the right gift for Dean. In the end, Dean had to break their Christmas plans as Ellen and Bobby had surprised the boys with a trip out of state for the holidays. _They want to keep us too busy so we don’t feel bad that dad isn't here, so I'm guessing,_ Dean had told Cas when he called to explain. Dean had been taking on more work at the shop in the evenings as well, initially under the guise that he was helping out with John's workload until Bobby could get someone else in. But given Dean's theory that Bobby was keen to keep him busy, Cas wondered if this was part of it too.

Castiel traveled back home for Christmas day and felt a loneliness during his family Christmas gathering that he hadn't ever felt before. He'd always turned up dateless and felt slightly wistful at the affection between his siblings and their partners. Years gone past though, he hadn't felt it quite as acutely as he did this year. Knowing he had someone and still couldn't be with them felt worse somehow.

After the holiday season ended, Cas found that Dean was too busy catching up on work at both his jobs.

Dean's present, wrapped in glossy paper with reindeer and penguins on, sat on Castiel's dresser, slowly gathering dust.

He'd started swimming more than he normally did. Hard and aggressively, making his body tired so that his mind and heart couldn't feel as sad as they truly were. He found when he was under the water, arms, legs, lungs, all in perfect synchronization, that he was at his most relaxed now.

Sadly, it started to feel like he might never get back into sync with Dean. Like perhaps their past brief moments of happiness were all they were going to get. Castiel waited for the inevitable message or call to say they had to talk, or to just bluntly tell him that it wasn't working.

There were times when he wondered if he should just break up with Dean, get the whole thing over and done with. But he could never bring himself to really contemplate this seriously. He couldn't imagine a world where he just threw Dean aside. Even if they weren't seeing each other in person, and even if Dean's replies to his messages were taking longer and longer to arrive, Cas hung onto this tiny connection like a lifeline.

A little Dean was better than no Dean, he decided, despite his heart growing ever sadder. Despite how he feared looking at his phone in case it was finally Dean calling things off.

He put it all out of his mind and just swam.

 

***

 

He arrived at the pool early one day mid February surprised to hear and see someone already in the water.

As he watched the form of the swimmer it took him only a moment to recognize it as Sam.

“Hey.”

Cas jumped.

“Nice budgie smugglers,” Dean smirked.

“Dean,” Cas gasped.

“Sam woke me up at 4 this morning and said he needed to go swimming.” Dean was grinning. “We still had a key to this place so here we are.”

“Oh.” Castiel smiled back.

“The new girlfriend, Eileen, she wants to study law like Sammy. At Stanford, apparently.”

“Expensive school, Stanford,” Cas replied slowly. “He'll probably need a scholarship.”

Dean cocked a hip, grinning smugly. “Exactly what Sam was thinking.”

They sat down at the poolside and watched Sam practice in silence for a moment. He was a little hesitant in his turns, arms not positioned quite right, but overall his form looked as well rehearsed as it was.

“I'm sorry,” Dean said abruptly. “I kinda just went AWOL there...”

“You've got nothing to apologize for, Dean.” And despite some of the not so positive thoughts Cas had been having in the last two months, he realized at that moment he truly meant it.

“I owe you so much for letting me just have room to figure things out.”

It was on the tip of Castiel's tongue and the words were forming before he could stop himself. “I know you're used to going it alone, but I really do want to help you.” _I should have fought for you,_ he realized.

Castiel had spent so much energy his entire life trying to avoid emotional entanglement, and yet here he was, asking Dean, _begging_ silently with Dean, that he’d be included in the chaos that was Dean’s life. Something just told him that it’d be hard, but that it’d also be worth it.

“I know,” Dean said quietly. “I know,” he repeated a little more firmly to himself. “Sam's always been my main focus. I suppose I never really thought about how I need help too.

“It was funny, these last couple of weeks. I've been thinking about dad a lot. How different he used to be before mom died.”

Castiel thought back to the conversation he'd heard at the wake. It seemed to be a general agreement that though John wasn't a bad person, he'd been a lot more openly affectionate and far less troubled when he had Mary in his life.

“When dad had mom, he was one person, she died, he was another. He never learned to rely on anyone like he did on mom. And it made me think how I was withdrawing from that support too. But more than that, how I’ve never really learned to look for help either.” Dean ran a hand through his hair.

Sam barely made a noise going through the water, but he made enough to remind Castiel that they weren’t alone. Sam probably wouldn’t appreciate looking up to see his ex-coach and brother kissing. Which was a shame as that was something Castiel wanted so badly to do. He wanted to imprint on Dean with his body that he wasn’t alone in this world.

“I had Bobby, Ellen, and Sam, but I have you as well now. I started to understand that, and then I just didn't know how too... reconnect, I guess? I wanted to call you and then I didn't know how to start the conversation.”

They sat on the bottom rung of the bleachers next to the pool. For all the space they could have occupied, instead they chose to sit pressed up against each other. Dean dressed in t-shirt and jeans, Castiel still just in his swimwear.

Castiel looked around the room and then back to Dean. He’d never know if he should have pressed harder with Dean the last few weeks, not when Dean had thanked him for giving him space. But Castiel decided at that moment, if he ever worried he and Dean were floating apart again, he’d definitely be prepared to fight the current and make sure Dean knew emphatically he was there for him.  

“I guess I can thank Sam for this moment then,” Castiel eventually quipped.

“Thank him with four swim practices a week?” Dean asked in cautious tones.

“That's harsh but fair,” Cas laughed, already planning a new training regime in his head. “It'll leave less time for us.” He was a grown man and was not going to pout (much) at this thought.

“I'm quitting my job, put in my notice already. Going to work full time at the shop, fixing up classic cars. It is the most profitable part of the business since Bobby can source replacement parts cheap. With dad gone, it just feels right, you know?”

Cas smiled. “I'm happy for you, Dean.”  

Whether the cars was something Dean truly wanted to do, Castiel wasn’t sure. Dean hated his marketing job enough that for now working on cars fulltime seemed a solid choice. He was proud of Dean for having made the decision. It seemed to Castiel he was right about Dean reevaluating his life while they’d been separated.

“Plus...” Dean looked out at Sam, his eyes following his brother's movements. “Plus I was thinking, you know, how about you move in with me and Sam?”

“Yes! I mean, um, are you sure?” Maybe it was too fast? Though Castiel reasoned he had a few months left on his current lease anyway. That’d give them some time... although another part of his mind was already trying to work out if they had to hire a U-Haul or if they could just move his stuff to the Winchester house with their own vehicles in many trips since the distance wouldn’t be far.

“Yeah, yeah I am. I need to talk to Sam about it first.” Dean sounded a little unsure at this. “But ultimately, he likes and respects you a lot Cas. And I'm done waiting for my life to start.”

Castiel fought the urge to kiss Dean again, which was probably for the best as this was when Sam finally got out of the pool and walked over.

“Hey, Coach.” Sam looked taller than Cas remembered, having grown even in two months since he'd last seen the younger Winchester.

“I hear you've got a pretty girlfriend you want to follow to Stanford,” Castiel teased lightly.

Sam blushed a little. “That's the plan.” He lifted his towel to dry his hair a bit. “If, um, you'll take me back, that is? Don’t think I could do it without you.”

“Of course, Sam.” He knew in that moment he’d do anything for this kid to make sure he reached his goal. Sam was going to college on a swim scholarship even if Castiel had to get up at 4am everyday to make him practice. Castiel felt deeply that Sam deserved to achieve his dreams.

Sam shoulders relaxed.

“I hear from Dean you've taken to running once a day?”

“Yeah, my, um, girlfriend, she's a big fan. But I'll be happy to get back to the swimming. Running's fun and all, but too cold for me.”

“I want you to keep it up, in addition to the other gym work you do already.”

Sam winced, “I feared you'd say that.”

They talked a while longer about strategy, how to get Sam back into a routine. Eventually Cas and Sam agreed to race since Cas was dressed for it anyway.

“You cheated!” Sam spluttered after being thoroughly beaten by Castiel. “Dean! He cheated!” Sam shouted to his brother who was laughing at the end of the pool.

“I rule the move was legal.”

Castiel slipped out of the pool to stand by Dean, smirking.

“He turned too early!” Sam said in mock outrage from where he was still treading water in the pool.

“Judge rules that he didn't,” Dean laughed some more.

“Urgh,” Sam said with a grin, hauling himself out of the water to join Castiel and Dean.

Sam's face fell a moment.

“I still need to apologize to the both of you for what I said, about Dean just wanting to keep me here because...” he trailed off awkwardly.

“Ah. Um, about that, Sam,” Dean shifted so he could hold Castiel's hand, lacing his boyfriend's wet fingers within his own dry ones. “I'm grateful for the apology but... we're kind of a couple. So you weren't entirely wrong,” he finished quietly.

Sam went silent. Cas felt goosebumps appear as he cooled down after the warm water.

“Does that mean,” he spoke eventually, “I can get my own room when we travel? If you two are going to share?”

“That's it?” Dean said, stunned. He hadn’t expected Sam to be upset but he’d thought there’d be a little more drama than this.

Castiel’s heart rate fell into a slightly safer category.

“And, I'm happy for you,” Sam continued. He leaned over and hugged them both. For the first time Castiel and Dean noticed the boy was now taller than both of them. “Swimming isn't something I want to do forever, but I can see how it will help me get to where I wanna be. And I'm grateful to you both for what you've given up so I can get there.”

“You’ll get there, Sam,” Castiel told him in his most assertive voice. “And we’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

“Thanks, Sammy.” Dean hugged him back harder, not caring that he was getting his clothes wet. “I'm never going to stop smelling of chlorine ever again with you two around, am I?” Dean sighed. “But I wouldn't want it any other way.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr as [perfackles](http://www.perfackles.tumblr.com/) or [coconutice22](http://www.coconutice22.tumblr.com/) for my personal blog.
> 
> If you feel like helping me promote the fic on tumblr, I'd be very grateful if you'd consider reblogging [this](http://perfackles.tumblr.com/post/155635718977/keeping-your-head-above-water-castiels-been) post. Thanks! 
> 
>  
> 
> The story as it originally came to me was from Dean and Sam’s perspective, but I quickly realised that was going to take 20+ chapters to go through properly. I switched it to Castiel’s POV which actually helped me understand his importance in it all better, and then as a lot is missed out this way, it got the thing down to a reasonable length I could do in the time I had. 
> 
> If there’s any interest in the story then I might do some one-off scenes of bits from the perspective of Dean and Sam, as obviously a lot is happening to them. Dean’s side of the story in particular differentiates at points a lot to how Castiel sees things (like the text messages -- Dean is not that smooth by himself). 
> 
> Dean and Sam’s Christmas away is another thing I have notes on too. There’s a lot of backstory with John, but the biggest plot points are covered in this fic in case I never write anything more. 
> 
> Some general notes on what I was thinking while I wrote this that didn't make it into the fic since I wanted to keep it almost to Castiel's POV exclusively: 
> 
> Sam’s battling with anxiety throughout this. I really hope he doesn’t come off as an unrelatable ass. He’s dealing with depression and doesn’t have the right tools to cope. And to his luck, the nearest parental figures he has aren’t much better at dealing with their own emotions. Under it all he does really love swimming, but the depressive episode he experiences makes him lose interest in everything. 
> 
> It was important to me that Dean make the final decision to quit his marketing job on his own. So much of his life to this point has happened because of obligations he’s been placed under. The thought to quit his job and do something else though, he’s doing entirely for himself. As Castiel rightly speculates, maybe it isn’t the best career move in terms of what will make Dean happy, but most importantly, it gets him away from a situation he feels nothing for at all. Dean asking Castiel to move in probably seems a bit quick, but if I ever do the Dean POV stuff, it makes more sense as Dean’s been thinking about this long and hard. His dad’s death really makes him contemplate how he wants to be happy *now* and not just at some vague point in the future. 
> 
> And the last thing I wanted to note on was the part where Dean’s been emotionally blackmailing Sam into continuing to swim. This isn’t excusable behaviour, but Dean is desperate for Sam not to throw his future away over a crush -- as Dean sees it at the time, not recognising it as a sign of depression. 
> 
> Dean’s thinking goes much more along the lines of: if I do nothing, nothing will change, and things will be okay. And then many things do change in his life. He’s not coping well with the changes. He’s trying to maintain order and part of that is Sam goes swimming. 
> 
> Each of the guys really has their own struggle to start working through in the few months this is set in. I have some ideas for one-shots set in the future of this verse too, but I’m really happy for suggestions if anyone has some. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, especially if you’ve made it through this last mess of notes!


End file.
